Birth Control
(a thought poem)
That I had breasts,
sexuality
was a mortifying embarrassment if my parents noticed.
Somehow I was to be
a-sexual.
So the idea of birth control was far
from any discussion
In 6th grade
They taught us about our periods
Not mentioning how these body parts
contributed to sex
Even when I was being called
a Slut, I had no idea how sex worked.
I Understood Sex-i-Ness
sex-i-ness
was power. And I knew I could make
a grown man fumble and turn red
by being sexy.
But I had no idea how it worked.
I didn’t even know my vagina
had an ‘inny’
until I got my period.
Dave, the tomato soup 21 year old, the first intercourse guy, pulled out.
In that moment, I realized
he did this to not get me pregnant
When he reached that moment
when he pulled out and sprayed me with goo that came out of his penis, it was such a surprise
I didn't know that's what happened
But I knew, watching
his visceral lost in time moment, that that release of white stickiness was the pinnacle of bliss
for him.
It was to him
what happened to me when
I touched myself
and felt my body climb a mountain
and fall bodiless
and body-full
into that vat of warm honey
Jeff used condoms. On his own
without my asking. There was a pride high school boys had
carrying condoms
others seeing the ring mark left
on the back of their jeans pocket
a permanent circle outline on their wallets.
So we didn't get pregnant.
Until
the incident in the pool without a condom. The moment I got
pregnant
But what was so confounding and confusing was
after I found I was pregnant it seemed
it was I
who had violated the terms
of our relationship
It was I
who betrayed the setup we had. And
It was I who made the choice.
I who was responsible
for the decision
and the act of abortion
The choice wasn't hard. I was barely 16 having a baby was not a choice
I should be making. It wasn’t
a form of birth control. I knew intrinsically, at this early stage, what was inside me was
the potential
for a baby
but it wasn't a baby
I was terminating.
It was a baby to be.
It was the moment of
cells coming together, preparing to become a baby.
It was cells with potential.
I knew that. I felt that
even at my naive age.
So the choice wasn't as moral as it was sad
and frightening and fearful
and ultimately painful
especially
in the early 70s when roe v wade
had just been passed and
anesthetic was not yet used
so I was awake and raw
and too present for every cold metal scrape
and sharp suction
Tearing, ripping my young insides
to shreds.
What was confusing was
why Jeff had no stake
no responsibility
financially
emotionally
Or otherwise
in that event. I paid for it with money from my after school job. I endured
the pain and the guilt
and Shame myself
and he broke our long term relationship based on my crime
of getting pregnant in the first place.
At 16 I lost,
and he went on to be
the school rock star.
After Jeff, there was Mick
and he
was a grown up and always
pulled out
so I figured that was the way to do it. Either condoms or pull out and everything would be ok.
I didn't dare think
about birth control pills. That was for older girls who were allowed
to have sex. And if a girl
close to my age
was on birth control pills, it was gossiped about. She was obviously
a slut
because she made
a conscious choice
to have sex.
She was admitting she was going to. That she was. Going to have sex.
If you planned for it,
you were sexually active.
And sexually active girls
were automatically
sluts.
Good girls had sex only
when taken unawares, after
heavy petting when it couldn't be helped
it just happened.
Or if we didn't capitulate
to the sex,
During the heavy
foreplay
the guy would educate us
About the excruciating
unbearable pain and
true physical dangers
of blue balls
that you were then responsible for.
And were you that kind of girl?
A tease?
Someone who would leave a man
in physical pain?
You lead men on.
You are the worst kind.
Just as bad as
a slut.
And if you asked a guy
to wear a condom, first of all,
it stopped the flow of the passionate unconscious sexual train you were on. It broke the rhythm.
Destroyed the mood.
And there were men who vehemently argued against it. They couldn't feel anything if they wore one.
Did you want that?
Did you want to be the only one who got the pleasure while they were left being numb?
Were you one of those girls?
A pain in the ass?
After all, there were plenty of girls who wouldn't do that to them. Why should they bother with you causing a scene
making them wear one when there were plenty of truly sexual, wildly abandoned girls out there that wouldn't be such prudes!
And besides, some vaginas,
very few, were tight enough so they
could actually ‘feel’ something when they were inside, So
most vaginas you had to wear
no condom.
But then came AIDS
and it was terrifying and
it was an unknown.
And condoms were no longer an issue. Men forced them on me
rather than the other way around.
But condoms will sometimes break.
My second time pregnant, we had been using a condom. I remember
the exact moment I got pregnant. Women say this happens to them. They remember the exact moment.
He was behind me and finished.
I reached back to grab the condom and it wasn’t there.
It wasn’t on his penis and
it wasn't on the bed. I fished it out
from deep inside me. And
a few weeks later…
I had a lot of sex in between and the condoms held up.
And then there was JM.
We had been dating over a year with no incident. This time the condom broke.
And a few weeks later…
I was willing to quit Juilliard, get married, have our baby.
He didn't want to. He wanted me to get the abortion. And I did
Finally the one with the boomerang shaped cock,
the condom broke
And I was pregnant.
I wanted to have the baby
give it up for adoption.
I didn’t want to give it up but
how would care it
alone, broke
there were no recipes
for how to make a life work
as a single woman, pregnant
alone
with a baby
I knew this might be my last chance
to have a baby. I asked for help
It was so complicated. All I wanted to be was
In truelove and
have a family and also
be a great actress and also
live a meaningful life
(whatever that meant at the time)
(is that so much to ask?)
I went to France
to have the abortion by pill because I thought it might be
less trauma
on my body. Because the man paid for it.
Abortion was a stigma. Is a stigma.
But not like in the 70’s.
It was much worse then. And before then.
You were a very bad girl, a very bad person
if you had to have one.
You were a horrible girl if you did.
The excruciating pain you went through was just-deserved for your irresponsibility
and naughty
sluttiness
that put you in this position in the first place. You should be ashamed of yourself.
And I was.
But I never felt that I killed
A being.
I felt,
I stopped the potential.
Even in France
when they make you look at the fetus you expel
small as a snail
without consciousness…
Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I want to believe this. But it is what I felt,
what I saw
A cluster of cells
and what I believed from science.
But it still
It broke my heart.
And I understood
that abortion,
seemed to be most men’s first
choice
their fastest first
choice
when finding their Sperm connected
More their choice than mine
at first.
Where are these same men when it comes to defending women’s right to choose? and a woman’s right
to her own body?
I once asked a few guy friends:
if you got reincarnated, would you want to come back as a man or a woman?
All said “a man.”
Fair enough. But why?
“Men have more advantages”
and “women need so much more”
“They need so much maintenance”
“and care.”
“Their bodies are so much more complicated”
and require
more
need
care
help
maintenance
protection
expense
Its interesting that most men know
or at least sense this
even if they don't think about it consciously,
but when it comes to laws
and equality or even just
Chivalry,
there is
a conspicuous space
in between